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Anhedonia · & · Amphetamines
Verti-go to Hell
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I'm a nocturnal creature. Long exposure is where it's at for me, I really have no idea what flash is for or how to use it. I don't do photoshop, and some of my stuff suffers from a lot of color noise. Hopefully these images strike a chord with the viewer and have some sort of an effect whether it be positive or negative. Any comments are welcome. Visit my flickr page for more http://www.flickr.com/photos/crystalpalace21/(some semi-nudity, but nothing too bad) 
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The parallel is so accurate it's frightening. You know you're in Rehab of some sort when your only potential pleasures in life are drinking lots of coffee and smoking. Cable just makes me feel nasty. I would greatly appreciate being back at home. |
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how was winter actually better, i'm still at a loss to understand? i'd just as soon not try to figure it out. i love neurotin, but combined with actually being a tiny bit crazy it just makes me feel more unstable. maybe i can live with that. maybe it just this house. |
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To the silly cunt in the coffee shop who ordered a de-caf, non-fat something or another with a shot of sugar free syrup...Drink some real damn coffee bitch, with some sugar and cream...for christsfuckingsakes your plastic ass is not going to live forever, it doesn't matter if you never eat another carb or even a single granule of real sugar and only drink milk derived from beans- you are not going to live forever and car crashes and natural gas explosions don't give a fuck if you eat healthy (fake). Put down the raw oatmeal & soy milk cereal and the protein powder slushie and enjoy some real goddamned food. I just had to get that out there. |
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I kind of feel like making muffins. And listening to Momus. Momus is wonderful. |
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Shit's been crazy around here recently. there's a great deal been going on and i just haven't felt like writing on it. tristan left, he's in S.C with his grandma. If he can get enough in financial aid hopefully he'll be back for school in August. Kevin is living with me now. He's a wonderful and patient puppy, i love him dearly. I guess that was the necessary trade off. Finally really get to be with the one person i couldn't live without and be left by someone i couldn't bare to loose. Photo went well i guess. planning on doing an independent study in photography with sarah next fall. my stuff needs work and focus. If i get a more cohesive body of work together i may consider showing at The Space again- but with all the 'artists' in this town im not sure how much anything i do is likely to matter. especially with the slick, trendy, photoshop generation running around untamed and undisciplined. which- if one looks at the work of the really academically successful photographers- almost none of them were either slick or trendy. I'm teaching myself how to draw. copying mostly. but doing a variety of studies and such to develop a style and a library of images and image parts. The section(s) of the library with the art books is maddening. the numbers start in the fucking basement and then continue somewhere in a dark corner 4 floors up. Makes no goddamned sense even when you understand the fucking dewey decimel system...just pick a system of ordering your titles and stick to it. don't go inventing subsystems on me and then be in the process of rearranging all the shelves in a damn 9 story library for the last year and half...ya fucking useless library trolls. Fairly well done with all my classes- have one last official class at 2. im resigned to the idea that watching another movie about culturally exploited african hut people will do jack shit for me overall, so i might as well skip it. Apparently, in the lower levels, just keep everyone on the same page, "anthropology" is to be defined only as "the study (mainly via 20 year old VHS) of anything that lives in an enclosure constructed of banana leaves, palm fronds or animal hides" . It's a good working definition i suppose- but it could stand some meat.
so, not going to that class. kevin and i will likely spend the day...doing whatever it is we do when we spend days. might go on a walk to the park and take the neighbors dog Falcore. He needs the exercise and right now a 'rent-a-pet' is the only kind of pet i can afford to get.
if anybody knows where i might get a job around here that'd be helpful too since where i work apparently closes down for the summer. |
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That last post...ya...that last post made no goddamned sense. Please disregard. Spent an ungodly amount of time next door yesterday/this morning. that house really does exist in its own little shimmering, shifting reality warp...and i didn't even do anything despite some good solid effort otherwise. So there's a Neil Gaiman/Jim Henson movie...no one told me. I feel deprived of potential pleasure perhaps even unloved. Shame on...all of you I had to find out the hard truth on my own. So this is exciting...
What's Rapleaf? Rapleaf is a portable ratings system for commerce. You can look people up before you buy or sell, and rate them afterwards. Rate people and they will be encouraged to rate you back. Before long, your Rapleaf profile will reveal you for the honest person that you are. After all, it is more profitable to be ethical. i dont need that. Consumer profiling? No thanks, i think im ok without that particular service of yours. But wait...they were so nice they already made me a profile and everything already complete with feedback from one of the sites i buy textbooks from. Still i think ill pass. I appreciate the effort in a "yay-at least it's not zombie porn sorta way" but i need one more person, place or thing evaluating my performance in life and issuing grades accordingly like i need a rabid 3 toed sloth. DO.NOT.WANT! WTF internet, i thought you had my back. It can never be the same between us, Facebook is getting pruned indefinitely and Myspace is going in trash bin where trash belongs just as soon as i figure out how to delete my page. Going to Belmont. Must pack things.
Current Mood: |
 awake |
Current Music: |
Scissor Sisters- Return to OZ | |
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I feel...vaguely accomplished and "made of win" as one might say. but only vaguely. I woke up this morning and didn't feel like death for only getting about 5 hours and in its own little emo way, the dreary, gray weather is a refreshing change. It feels nice and peaceful compared to a loud, bright day like yesterday. Got most of my class things figured out...kinda. And being able to take my last Theatre history THIS SUMMER (second session!!! for once) is also made entirely of win and sunshine dust, because I always take my Theatre history classes over the summer...yes it's more material/assignments in a shorter period of time...but it is infinitely easier somehow- I've made B's both times without even trying, blowing a line then walking to my final (just like someone i know, who i didn't know then interestingly enough). Then the requisite practicum hours...a french class and hopefully my last science req. with Dr. J again,,.I almost got on one of the tables in the lab here at work and did a happy dance but something tells me that doing silly table dances in the tutoring lab is likely frowned upon. Photo expedition with Erin later Tristan stole my mp3 player 2 weeks ago without me noticing and replaced my playlists with music from his set that i find obscure and am only recently becoming aware of...Mann mann, The Faint, The Decemberists, The Lovemakers and The Arcade Fire which i find completely pretentious and utterly un-listenable . Wooooooooooooooo. |
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Offending someone is probably my main intention here, so you stand forewarned. Apparently the UNCG campus Republicans are having a "Morals Week" here towards the end of March. The concept of "Morals" alone is enough, but just in case that concept wouldn't piss off enough people the days of this week have themes...
These are the 3 that I saw advertised:
- "Are you a Femi-Nazi" day
-A 'PETA' (People for the Eating of Tasty Animals) BBQ
AND!!!! are you people ready for this bullshit...
-Straight Pride Day... I just don't have the words to express how that makes me feel. Gay Pride week (while just sort of a joke sometimes) is in no way the GLBT community's way of mocking straight people. I challenge someone to find the consumption of veggies morally offensive. I have never, ever, not EVER been heckled by a member of a different sexuality for being straight and I've also never been treated unfairly or marginalized because i am straight. As for the whole Femi-Nazi shit...from what i can tell from their flyer it's a thinly, thinly veiled excuse to have an anti-abortion protest which honestly- ive never been overburdened with an overwhelming sense of humanity, i see the concern of those opposed to abortion, but that whole lack of humanity thing lets me put a different spin on things. You can call it human whenever you want, but just like its ok to pull the plug on someone in a vegatative state, there is a vast amount of difference between a human and a person. And when it comes right down to it in regard to the whole Morals Week thing- I believe in the right to "Rights", my right to choose the path i take in my life, with my body and have my friends enjoy that same right no matter who they're fucking or exactly how they go about it. The principle it comes down to is simple- people should not be obsessively or unfairly mocked or targeted for their beliefs or lifestyle decisions no matter how uncomfortable it may make some to know that we do not live in a world of homogeneous ideals (and seriously what good could possibly come from making fun of those out there who prefer to be herbivores? 1 more vegi/vegan means more cow for you if there's ever a shortage...omg its sooo unamerican) Oh yea and fuck the american family...why is everyone so deathly afraid that the Cleavers and Joneses concept of family might go extinct...it's stale, overrated and for christssake have you seen the divorce rates?
im done now.
needless to say i plan to go to a few of these little functions, Straight Pride Day especially- we're raising an army of deviant sexuality (and its straight supporters) and we're gonna crash their little fundamentalist wank fest. I'm thinking of making a shirt that says "I kiss boys who kiss boys" and wearing that around...if anyone comes up with any other clever and abrasive slogans they would be much appreciated.
Current Mood: |
awake | |
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Oy. what the fuck. i know ive got friends...at least, i think i do...and i really want something to do that'll involve people and fun such that my hours can waste away into the night. ive been seeing too much of me lately and its getting stale. Life slowing down so drastically has been hard to take. and booze, i dont get booze, the healing properties of booze, the entertainment value of booze, the sex appeal of booze- i just dont get it. or, maybe i do get it but im drunk when i do and so i dont actually remember....whatever. happy st. patricks day and remember- drinking green beer makes you look more retarded than usual. St. Patty's day, Cinco de Mayo...all these holidays we celebrate here in the US for other countries most of us have never been to it just makes me wish there was a holiday celebrating Columbia...(thanks to Abe for that joke, many st. patts days ago)
Current Mood: |
 apathetic | |
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i keep asking god what im for and he tells me "gee, im not sure- sweep that floor kid". child of the street, here on skid row. Little Shop of Horrors |
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That guy down there? He is made of 'most popular boy in school'. Sex, drugs, rock&roll and a car for teenage gods. He is why I am me, in an abstract sense. I remember being in high school and wanting to be someone he'd want to be around. It meant not being a girly fuck off, talking about classic cars, having half a brain, not acting our deplorable age. Bear me here for the rest of this, it'll be twisty. When we were sophmores we had a class together, creative writing. We were paired together with each other Steve Darnell and this fuck off dick named Ben to do a project. Somehow, being the cool group we were, we were all familiar with Garrison Keillor's weekend raido variety show, A prairie Home Companion. We decided our project would be a raido show in a similar style. We met one day after school to get a scrip together. Jeremy thought it might be a help to collaborate with a friend of his who was also familiar with the show would be a help to us. Being the cool fucker I expected Jeremy to be- he swept past a friend on the way and got the last drags of cigarette as we went by on our way down the hill. Turkish Jades he said- good stuff by his account. In part because they came so highly recommended, the first pack of cigarettes i ever purchased were Jades, I smoke nothing else now. Down the hill, over a tiny stream covered in leaves that i jumped into thinking it more or less dry underneath the leaves, we came up to his friends house, not 3 minutes away from the school. I really remember little of he friend of his that we met on this trip, we definitely didn't get much accomplished and I had to leave before the rest. I wish i could, but memory barely compares to physical experience. In a year, I would meet him again. In two years, he was in Taiwan- and not long after his return, he was madly in lust with me, and now he's there, im here and he's still my boy, and a damn good one at that. 3 cheers for 3 years. 
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There's only so much the internet can do for you. Everybody has a little something coming to them but karma's been playing catch up with everyone i know and i have no idea whats to be done about it. its not even halfway random, inconsequential or unimportant so obviously this isnt the place for it. |
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Goddamn this techno-dependent society of ours. I can't get to any of my school accounts because my password has expired and i cant remember how i originally spelled "belmontcentralelementary" in little ******'s to answer my mystery question and now my accounts have been locked down. this really isn't necessary. In almost every school related situation i can think of students and instructors spend far more time fucking around with whatever technology is in question than they do just doing whatever the task at hand was. Just do it by fucking hand. Screw powerpoint presentations and flashy 21st century presentations. Making learning complicated does not increase the quality of instruction it just bogs students and faculty down in a maze of techno-bullshit. i had a markedly successful day. Surprisingly successful, actually. Not like i really spent a whole lot of time worrying about it, but I managed to spend my entire weekend avoiding studying for my anthro exam (for which i still don't have a book- ordered it finally, just dont have it yet) so no studying all weekend- looked over my notes 10 minutes before class while doing the other thing I put off till the last minute- printing my photos for Critique in photo 2 and I put a hurtin' on both. The test was so damn easy i'd have been pissed if i'd lost sleep over it, and my Critique was amazingly successful. I wowed my instructor and the class and came out feeling really good about work that i really hoped would be well received. which is a relief because in a class about digital photography i lack technical knowledge in photoshop and suck at the fine aspects of printing because for all intents and purposes i am color/detail blind. But im going into this with a greater sense of direction than what i had in photo II partially because im just now spending the time to figure out who and what i am which is something i dont think really happens when one lives in a dorm in the middle of a lot of "campus life" bullshit. Then again, there's also a lot thats changed from a year ago. i just might have something to say now and that makes the difference in a photograph. If you don't have anything to say...do you honestly expect anyone to listen? On the other hand, feeling like you've done something noteworthy compared to your peers in a college photo class means next to nothing when you compare it to the work of some 'novices' just dicking around online...so...grain of salt and all that. Weekends are always wonderful even if nothing unusual happens. kevin was here and that felt great even if i need to get a handle on my recently developed dependency on his company to make me happy. the rest of the week can be ok, I am not all alone without him here- it just feels like it sometimes. had a bonding experience with justin (the new guy living in the house)..he tuned my guitar for me it was....productive. my favorite images from Critique today-
 
Current Mood: |
 speedin' |
Current Music: |
Placebo- In the cold light of morning | |
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where to start. I got a new camera with mum earlier today. a canon finally- its wonderful. I don't feel quite so inadequate anymore. It may not be the the extra special million mode/god like performer that some people have but never having been one for dicksizing of any variety and so i really don't give half a shit if my classmates have nicer, more expensive equipment as long as i have a camera capable of good image capture so the technical aspects are just as good as the artistic ones.go ahead, you go buy you a $600 camera, you still suck at photography motherfucker, no camera is going to change that. I got an email today saying i had been randomly selected to participate in a survey study conducted by uncg psychology dept. regarding student use of medication for ADD/ADHD disorders, both prescribed and not. mmhhm. random, random everywhere but not a thought to think. weeks over, looking forward to being irresponsible for a few days. Kevin will be here and really thats the only important part of the whole thing. I need to remember to go buy my damn text book so i can not fail this cute little exam i got coming up on monday.
Current Music: |
Pixies- I bleed | |
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Live journal...i just dont think its going to work out for us. maybe there's some overwhelming logic as to why i no longer feel compelled to write stupid shit down in a hopeless, self-indulgent effort that people will read what i say and take some interest. I realize though that very little of what i write even interests me, so the futility of the effort has become apparent. as a brief side note, anyone with a facebook or myspace account should stand warned even if you had previously been aware of the practice...at work today my boss had me do "background checks" on 2 prospective employees by looking through their facebook and myspace accounts. so forewarned is forewarned, friends, classmates and potential dates arent the only ones looking at your pictures from that wild party or reading that blog entry you wrote about the acid you dropped last weekend. also...actually, also nothing. its bedtime. |
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Word of the day is: Anhedonia. |
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It would seem that I have the distinct honor of being chosen house canary. Just remember, if I die, that means turn off the kerosene heater.... |
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Tiny, pissing, dust of snow, no class like it's some end of the world bullshit, more importantly: no work. Came back home from a mad dash to get to work this morning to spend the rest of the day in bed alone watching snow fall and melt outside my bedroom window. I can't imagine a less fulfilling day is possible. I've been on some sort of unintentional hermitage for weeks now. Nothing to do, nowhere to go- I want to be sedated. Luckily this is the end of the week, only have work tomorrow, then barring any unpleasant complications, Ill be in CLT for the weekend.
Current Music: |
2 skinnee j's- Stockholm Love | |
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firefox and lj, kiss my ass now. restore from saved draft...bollocks. now ive lost all train of thought. revert to cliff notes version.
-there's a new guy living in my house. and marissas giant bed in the living room where sitting furniture once roamed. -someone needs to be held responsible for not introducing me to the awesomeness of placebo earlier. slackerbitchfaghagwhore. me to a T. Although listening to it for an hour and half has probably done something irreversible to my mood. -wonderful weekend with the boy, we met molly together for the first time and had a great wide eyed time. he forgot he got me an anniversary present...a curious george book he found and mechanical pencils :) (because i asked for them). and i made french toast before he left this morning. -the boy and i saw Pans Labyrinth together. those spanish flicks...goddamn, that movie feels like crying in the corner of a dark room, arms with deep slits pouring warm blood. seriously. amazing movie though, new all time favorite movie seen in a theatre. welcome departure from the disney breed of mutilated, fluffy fairy tales. we were the last people to leave the theatre because i was curled in a little ball nuzzled into kevin...it was great. -erm...stuff. suchamotherfuckingbore.
Current Mood: |
awake | |
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crystalpalace21's journal